not good enough

The U.S. Navy Blue Angels fly over Greenfield, Indiana, during the Crossroads Air Show on October 28, 2023. iPhone. Me.

How do you convince someone you can do something if you don’t have proof?

I put myself out there recently for something big. Something I know I can do. Something I feel pulled to do in such an extraordinary way that it has consumed my “free” time for months now. I’m doing it in my sleep, that’s how much it’s on my mind.

But it doesn’t matter what I know I can do if I can’t convince others I can do it.

Alas. The selling of oneself is a conundrum.

Or maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe I don’t need to convince anyone. Maybe I just do the thing on my own, without anyone else’s help. Maybe I don’t need someone to validate my experience and talents.

Maybe it doesn’t matter that they assume I’m not good enough.

I know I am. I know I can do it. I know my limits and I haven’t hit them yet.

Not even close.

***

My youngest and I were in the car driving home from school the other day, my mouth going a million miles a minute about how “the Blue Angels flew over our house for several hours this morning and I’m so sad you missed it and I bought tickets to the Crossroads Air Show and, wait, this is a Boy Scout-sponsored event so how didn’t we know about it if you’re so close to becoming an Eagle Scout and holy hell! they were so loud that the house shook and the dogs didn’t know what to do and Chris (my boyfriend) slept through it while I danced like a kid drunk on too much sugar on the back patio while the neighbors and I ooooooohed and ahhhhhhhed as the planes just kept on comin’…”

… when just as we were about to turn onto our street, just a few yards from our driveway … WHOOOOOOOSH!

And there they were again. Out of nowhere.

The Blue Angels.

The F/A-18E Super Hornets.

And then they were gone.

“Oh my gawwwwd, I wonder if Lt. Amanda Lee is up there right now! She’s the first woman to fly with the Blues! Ohmygawwwd. They were so low! Did you see that? Holy hell. That’s insane. You got to see them! Ohmygod you got to see them!”

I look over at my son because I’m losing my damn mind.

His mouth is wide open.

Once he is certain the planes are out of sight for good, he looks over at me. We’re now parked in our driveway. I laugh a bit too loudly and do a happy dance behind the wheel.

He got to see them. Holy hell, he got to see them gooooood. They were right there.

I tell him, again, that I bought tickets so we could see them even closer at the Air Show … and we’ll be going in two days.

Even closer? He’s wondering, as I am, how we can see them even closer when what we experienced just now was four military jets low enough that I would’ve bet the stars that we could reach up and tickle their underbellies.

He’s still smiling as he heads toward the front door and I run/skip/jump to the backyard, where I find my neighbors across our yards, a husband and wife who both have their phones aimed the skies. We’re all listening to the humming in the distance and trying to guess from which direction the Hornets are approaching.

***

I remind myself of this moment. And of the moments that happened two days later as my son and I stood, fighting off the bone-chilling cold as we strained our necks to stare straight into the gray sky, tracking the blue and yellow jets as they performed their choreographed dance above.

Yes, it takes teamwork. The most amazing, breathtaking teamwork anyone could ever imagine.

It takes dedication and passion and strength and stamina and excellence.

It takes giving it your damn all and not knowing if you’ll ever make the elite team.

It’s going out there and giving it your best because the best is the only way to get this job done.

I’m not giving up. I’m in for the long haul.

I’ll practice all the steps and figure out the choreography because I know I can do it and I will be excellent.

Just trying is not good enough.

I’m going to make the damn team.

I can do this. I’ve been doing a version of this for more than 25 years. And I’m not stopping anytime soon.

Watch me as I go.

***

P.S. I don’t own a “real” camera anymore. At least not one that is able to capture great images of jets flying close to the speed of sound. So, I used my iPhone and told my kid I’d do my best. The photos aren’t too shabby, given what tools I had at my disposal and the crappy Indiana weather. Proving, again, that we can pull off way more than we think we can sometimes. More often than not, actually.

The Blues over Indiana. Photo by me with an iPhone 14 Pro Max. Those suckers are quick.